


This Text Chat Group Will End Us All: Part IV

by Cutthroat In Carolina (Illmerica), Illmerica



Series: I Can't Believe It's Not! another textchat series [4]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, No Spoilers, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-10 08:57:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11123967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illmerica/pseuds/Cutthroat%20In%20Carolina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illmerica/pseuds/Illmerica
Summary: slenderman:Wait, isslenderman:Oh my, that was quite an unexpected development. Who put that massive wooden roller coaster there? They must have terrible planning skills, all these wooden structures so close by each other is a major fire hazard.panic!everyday:is,,, is the roller coaster,, on fire,,slenderman:Indeed.panic!everyday:WHAT THE HELL SHINGUUJI-KUN





	1. Morning — The Squad No One Asked For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **dabs ex machina:** I LIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!
> 
>  **dabs ex machina:** SCURRY UNDER MY FEET MORTALS. FOR HERE COMES I,,,DABS EX MACHINA,,,TWICE HAVE I BEEN CAST OUT INTO THE UNDERWORLD,,,LEFT TO SUFFER ALONE IN THE PITS OF TARTARUS. AND NOW HERE I STAND,,,AS POWERFUL AS EVER,,,
> 
>  **dabs ex machina:** ,,,FEAR MY FURY,,,MY REVENGE. FOR I WILL NOT STAND FOR BEING TREATED AS DIRT UNDER YOUR FEET ANY LONGER MORTALS,,,YOU WILL ALL SUFFER GREATLY FOR YOUR WRONGDOINGS AGAINST ME,,,
> 
>  **Wine Aunt™:** well fuck me with a rusty dildo its been 5 seconds and im already sick of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaede Akamatsu — **Baethoven**  
>  Rantaro Amami — **AMarySue**  
>  Tenko Chabashira — **femmefatal**  
>  Gonta Gokuhara — **Gonta**  
>  Maki Harukawa — **tsundon't**  
>  Ryoma Hoshi — **Just (Stop)**  
>  Kiibo Idabashi — **K11-B0**  
>  Miu Iruma — **Wine Aunt™**  
>  Kaito Momota — **spacejam**  
>  Kokichi Ouma — **dabs ex machina**  
>  Shuichi Saihara — **panic!everyday**  
>  Tsumugi Shirogane — **makoharu**  
>  Korekiyo Shinguuji — **slenderman**  
>  Kirumi Toujou — **Maid to Serve**  
>  Angie Yonaga — ✨ **angel** ✨  
> Himiko Yumeno — **naibsel**
> 
> **Reading the other parts of this series isn't necessarily needed to read this one, but you'll probably want to fully understand context and also read some Good Crack Shit™**

**_rosemary_ ** _changed their username to_ **_makoharu_**.

 

 **Baethoven:** Oh! Hello there Shirogane-san, what's got you up so early this morning?

 **Beathoven:**  I know you usually like to stay up and watch anime on weekends, so is there a convention or a photo shoot today? Or did you just not sleep again?

 

 **_makoharu_ ** _unblocked_ **_dab ex machina_ ** _from the chat._

 

 **Baethoven:**!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Baethoven:** Oh no, I forgot Ouma-kun! I’m so sorry Ouma-kun, you’ve been blocked all night from the friend chat!!!

 **femmefatal:** bc youre a girl Tenko will always trust you Tsumugi-chan but why did you have to let him back in

 **dabs ex machina:** I LIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!

 **dabs ex machina:** SCURRY UNDER MY FEET MORTALS. FOR HERE COMES I,,,DABS EX MACHINA,,,TWICE HAVE I BEEN CAST OUT INTO THE UNDERWORLD,,,LEFT TO SUFFER ALONE IN THE PITS OF TARTARUS. AND NOW HERE I STAND,,,AS POWERFUL AS EVER,,,

 **dabs ex machina:** ,,,FEAR MY FURY,,,MY REVENGE. FOR I WILL NOT STAND FOR BEING TREATED AS DIRT UNDER YOUR FEET ANY LONGER MORTALS,,,YOU WILL ALL SUFFER GREATLY FOR YOUR WRONGDOINGS AGAINST ME,,,

 **Wine Aunt™:** well fuck me with a rusty dildo its been 5 seconds and im already sick of him

 **spacejam:** why,, why does it rust,,,, what are your sex toys made of that you have to worry about rusting,,

 **Gonta:** Ah, good morning Ouma-san!!! You seem to be very lively this morning! That’s good, for early to bed and early to rise makes a gentlemen healthy, wealthy, and wise!

 **Gonta:** Toujou-san was kind enough to share that phrase with me, and I must say I like it very much!! It even rhymes!

 **Baethoven:** Gonta have I mentioned that you are literally the best thing that has ever happened in my entire life

 **Gonta:** Gonta believes you have!

 

 **_naibsel_ ** _blocked_ **_dabs ex machina_ ** _from the chat._

 

 **naibsel:**...it’s too early for this…

 **naibsel:**...be quiet…let me sleep...

 **femmefatal:** Tenko could not agree more

 **Baethoven:** Guys be nice

 

 **_makoharu_ ** _unblocked_ **_dabs ex machina_ ** _from the chat._

 

 **Wine Aunt™:** what the hell shirogane

 **dabs ex machina:** I LIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!

 **makoharu:** You better hush if you want to hear what I have to say!

 **dabs ex machina:** eh???

 **makoharu:** Yesterday while all of you were listening to Amami do his best Ouma impression with his silly hairdresser story, which I’m convinced he came up with when he was _actually_ high

 **AMarySue:** #offended

 **makoharu:** I was out shopping and getting stuff done for my next big cosplay. And while I was out and about I saw something very surprising that might be of particular interest to everyone here, but especially to you Ouma

 **makoharu:** Since it concerns your harem and all

 **tsundon’t:** Do we have to.

 **dabs ex machina:** ohoho _ho???_ do tell my favorite henchwoman

 **dabs ex machina:** my ears are always open for some hot harem gossip

 **femmefatal:** okay but does it still count as a harem if none of them like him

 **femmefatal:** and if its made of _boys_

 **femmefatal:** its all very anti-harem if you ask Tenko! her girl harem is clearly superior!!

 **makoharu:** As much as I _sincerely_ wish to spend the next five minutes educating you on the history and usage of the term ‘harem’, particularly in the romance, shonen, and slice-of-life genres, I’m going to restrain myself and press forward because I have something important to say

 **makoharu:** Mainly that yesterday while I was out I saw Amami

 **AMarySue:** eh?

 **makoharu:** With a girl

 **AMarySue:** e h ?

 **makoharu:** On a date

 **AMarySue:** _E H ?!_

 **femmefatal:** sorry can we just take a second here because um WHAT

 **dabs ex machina:** BITCH THATS MY LINE

 **dabs ex machina:** NOW WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY AMAMI-CHAN WAS OUT WITH A GIRL HES GAY AS FUCK

 **femmefatal:** Tenko doesnt agree with Ouma about most things but this time she has to say that hes actually right

 **dabs ex machina:** UH YEAH IM RIGHT DAFUCK IS THIS SHIT AMAMI-CHAN ARE YOU _LEAVING ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN????_

 **spacejam:** uuuuum okay im Very Confused

 **spacejam:** i know we joke and all but like,,, were all in agreeance that amami is literally the realest gay to ever gay rite?? rite????

 **dabs ex machina:** YES HE IS,,,,,,,SO WHY,,,,,,WAS HE OUT WITH A,,,,,,,,,,,,GIRL????!!!!!!!!

 **AMarySue:** BRO I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT SHES TALKING ABOUT

 **AMarySue:** its probably some huuuuge misunderstanding!!! right Shirogane??

 **makoharu:** Look Amami, I get it. I’d be embarrassed too if I’d been caught going a secret date with one of our classmates!

 **AMarySue:** HOLD THE PHONE

 **dabs ex machina:** AMAMI-CHAN YOU FUCKIN TRAITOR!!!!!! FIRST YOU BETRAY THE HAREM AND NOW YOU BETRAY MEN THEMSELVES WHAT!! IS!! THIS!!

 **spacejam:** V JKFADLBVLIQ !!!!!!! WFT THE SHIIIIIIIIIT

 **Just (Stop):** Well this is new.

 **slenderman:** Indeed, it is. Yet another example of humanity’s natural tendency to change overtime, even if the change is remarkably drastic and seemingly impossible.

 **✨angel✨:** GASP!!!! angie LOVES a good romance story!!! amami who is it,, who is it _who is it_????

 **✨angel✨:** WAIT,,,, is it ANGIE???

 **Wine Aunt™:** ANGIE IF YOU HAVE TO ASK IT WASNT FUCKING YOU

 **panic!everyday:** this

 **panic!everyday:** this can’t be right. all of my detective skills have told me that he’s gayer than a unicorn wrapped in a half dozen rainbow flags marching at the head of a pride parade

 **panic!everyday:** i wasn’t even sure it was possible for a human being to be _gayer_

 **Maid to Serve:** As true as that may be, is there not the possibility that perhaps we had all just misjudged Amami-kun, and he is bisexual instead?

 **dabs ex machina:** NOT _MY_ AMAMI-CHAN

 **tsundon’t:** No, there’s no doubt. He’s gay as shit.

 **Baethoven:** I. I mean that wasn’t the _best_ choice of words, but yeah. From what Amami-kun’s said so far we’ve never had a reason to believe otherwise.

 **Baethoven:** Amami-kun were you...afraid to come out as liking girls?

 **AMarySue:** i,,,,,

 **Gonta:** Gonta wants Amami-kun to know that Gonta had brothers in his wolf family who liked girl wolves and they ended up alright! You will be alright as well Amami-kun!

 **AMarySue:** i,,,,,i dont understand,, what is happening here

 **naibsel:**...i think we’re all forgetting...shirogane said it was someone in our class...

 **✨angel✨:** yeah angie HAS to know if it’s her!!!!

 **slenderman:** I would hope it wasn’t.

 **makoharu:** I’m sorry(?) Angie, but apparently Amami has a thing for the protagonist type. If it makes you feel better, I’d say you’re more of a wacky and lovable side character, and those always sell more merch!

 **✨angel✨:** angie is okay with that!!! :3

 **Wine Aunt™:** wait a fuckin second that means

 **Wine Aunt™:** AHAHA HAHAH AH

 **Wine Aunt™:** AGAYMI W EN T ON A DATE WITH TITTYMATSU

 **tsundon’t:** What.

 **AMarySue:** what

 **Baethoven:** WHAT?!

 **dabs ex machina:** _KAEDE AKAMATSU WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS_

 **dabs ex machina:** _WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY FAVORITE SIDE HOE_

 **panic!everyday:** Akamatsu-san, you...you went on a date and you didn’t tell me?

 **panic!everyday:** a date with _Amami-kun_? and you didn’t? tell me??

 **panic!everyday:** i,, don't know how to feel about this,,,

 **naibsel:**...oh no...you’ve activated saihara’s secret trap card...full angst™...it’s super effective...

 **Baethoven:** But Saihara-chan I DIDN’T! I mean, Amami-kun’s nice and all I guess, but we’ve never been on a date before!!! Shirogane-san MUST have seen wrong!!!

 **dabs ex machina:** I GUESS????? YOU MANAGED TO STEAL A MEMBER OF _MY_ HAREM WITH CRAPPY PICK UP LINES LIKE ,,YOURE NICE AND ALL _I GUESS_ ”!!! WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY

 **dabs ex machina:** I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS HEARTBREAK,, GO BACK TO TENKOS HAREM WHERE YOU BELONG AND GET AWAY FROM _MINE_

 

 

 **_makoharu_ ** _created_ **_THE SHIPPING SQUAD CHAT - Private Chat._ **

**_makoharu_ ** _added_ **_✨angel✨, slenderman, panic!everyday,_ ** _and_ **_femmefatal_ ** _to_ **_THE SHIPPING SQUAD CHAT - Private Chat._ **

 

 **makoharu:** Yeesh!

 **makoharu:** I knew Ouma would be mad and all, but he is _livid_! I don't think I've ever seen him show so many genuine emotions before!

 **makoharu:** Well, at least it still worked! Great job team!!

 **✨angel✨:** thank you!!  <3

 **✨angel✨:** angie doesn’t know what she did but she’ll accept any and all praise!!

 **panic!everyday:** what. what is this.

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS EVEN MORE CONFUSED THAN BEFORE???

 **panic!everyday:** Shirogane-san please explain

 **panic!everyday:** please

 **panic!everyday:** i feel like i’ve been played somehow and i don’t know why but everything hurts inside so i’m not in the best shape to figure out why that is at the moment

 **femmefatal:** Tenko thinks you are being dramatic Saihara

 **panic!everyday:** well Tenko thinks wrong so

 **✨angel✨:** why!! angie was JUST wondering the same thing!!

 **slenderman:** Goodness, are you in pain Yonaga-san?

 **✨angel✨:** oh no, angie meant the whole “what this is” thing! every toe and finger is working tiptop over here in angieland!!! :3 :3 :3!!

 **makoharu:** Well, you see Saihara, that’s because you all were!

 **makoharu:** Played, that is

 **slenderman:** Ah. I was curious as to why you had lied about Amami-kun’s afternoon.

 **femmefatal:** are you ACCUSING Tsumugi-chan of LIES

 **femmefatal:** Tenko will BREAK YOU Shinguuji!! BREAK YOU LIKE THE TWIG MAN YOU ARE

 **✨angel✨:** >:3

 **femmefatal:** where are you TENKO WILL FIND YOU

 **makoharu:** Hold ON!! Please don’t hurt Shinguuji, Tenko! I _did_ lie when I said I saw Amami and Akamatsu on a date at the mall

 **panic!everyday:** why,,, would you,,

 **panic!everyday:** do that,,

 **slenderman:** The truth about Amami-kun’s evening, if you all wish to know it, is that he went to his appointment shortly after he disappeared from the chatroom, and then spent the rest of the night alone in his dorm. He showered three times and practiced his makeup in the mirror for the majority of it.

 **slenderman:** I must say, his skill with eyeliner is impeccable.

 **femmefatal:** why do you know that

 **slenderman:** I followed him, as per Yonaga-san’s request.

 **✨angel✨:** and he didn’t even go to the pharmacist!!!  >:33

 **slenderman:** Yes, I’m sad to say it appeared to be a normal doctor’s visit. However, I can confirm that his blood type is B and that he has an exceptionally healthy colon.

 **panic!everyday:** yeah right thats all very interesting Shinguuji-kun but can we focus please? Shirogane-san still has a lot to explain and i need to hear this 

 **panic!everyday:** my emotions demand it

 **femmefatal:** drama **king

 **makoharu:** No, he’s definitely right. I haven’t exactly explained anything yet

 **makoharu:** You see, the reason I gave about why I wasn’t involved in the chat yesterday was true. I really was out shopping for a cosplay in the mall. And I _did_ see two of our classmates out on a secret date, but it wasn’t Akamatsu and Amami. It was Momota and Harukawa!!!!

 **femmefatal:** WWHAT?!?!?!

 **✨angel✨:** ANOTHER love story?? Kami-sama sure has blessed angie’s friends today <3 <3

 **slenderman:** Interesting, but not entirely unexpected. They _were_ both mysteriously quiet yesterday, even though Ouma-san was being quite...Ouma. Harukawa-san usually can not resist telling him off.

 **makoharu:** Exactly! So I snooped on their cute little lunch date (so cute!!) and, when I was sure they hadn’t seen me and that they were going to be busy for a little while longer, I ran straight back to the dorms and broke into Momota’s room

 **panic!everyday:** a

 **panic!everyday:** please tell me i just read that wrong

 **makoharu:** Nope!

 **panic!everyday:** but Shirogane-san, that’s a b &e!! a _crime_!! you could be arrested for that i’m not smart enough to break you out of prison!

 **makoharu:** Don’t worry so much Saihara! The locks are easier to pick around here than you might think, so honestly they’re just asking for it

 **slenderman:** I agree. They truly must up the security measures, but it makes research significantly easier.

 **panic!everyday:** i give up

 **femmefatal:** Tenko isnt sure whos more worrying rn but its probably the menace

 **makoharu:** Anyway! Now, I’ve heard Momota mention before that he has a corkboard covered in post-it notes of all the stuff he needs to remember in his room because he has the memory span of a goldfish, so, if they were going to have another date, he’d definitely put the time on a post-it note as a reminder to be there. And low and behold, after a bit of searching through all the old club penguin passwords and reminders to buy more milk, I found proof that they do! Today!!

 **makoharu:** So I stayed up _all night_ last night concocting a plan to spy on them with Death Note and Code Geass playing in the background to get me in a scheming mood. But only up until L dies because after that Death Note turns to actual shit

 **femmefatal:** spoilers

 **makoharu:** That’s why all of you are here! If you haven’t noticed already, this is a Shipping Squad Chat!! Because I want you all to help me spy on Momota and Harukawa this afternoon! I vetted through the contestants while I was planning this and you all came out on top!!

 **✨angel✨:** ((GASP)) angie won a CONTEST?!

 **✨angel✨:** o(* >ω<*)o

 **✨angel✨:** angie would like to thank Kami-sama for putting luck on angie’s side, and her parents for being _really_ gross and then giving birth to angie, and finally shirogane for picking angie in the end b/c of course she’d pick her!!!

 **✨angel✨:** but mostly she’d like to thank Kami-sami for making angie so great in the first place!!!!! haha!!

 **panic!everyday:** a

 **panic!everyday:** angie no

 **femmefatal:** dont you tell Angie-chan what to do

 **femmefatal:** dont think Tenko wont fight you just because youre a skinny emo, TENKO DONT GIVE A DAMN

 **panic!everyday:** please don’t fight me Chabashira-san i am Very Weak

 **femmefatal:** good

 **makoharu:** O-kay, so this wasn’t _quite_ the cooperation I was going for, but we can work with this! Hopefully. At the risk of sounding like Akamatsu, can everyone please get along? I’m going to need all of your skills if we want to pull off getting evidence of our friends being cute together

 **makoharu:** Besides!! We all have a common goal!

 **panic!everyday:** we do?

 **makoharu:** Well duh

 **makoharu:** I want to see one of my ships become canon, Shinguuji wants to watch people do things when they don't know he’s watching, Angie wants to experience a beautiful love story put together by her God, and Tenko wants to make sure Momota doesn't do anything to Harukawa! It's a win win win win!!

 **femmefatal:** Maki-chan may scare most everyone with a soul but shes part Tenkos harem so Tenko will still protect her from gross handsy boys with her life

 **slenderman:** Just to be clear, what girls aren’t a part of your harem? Normally I wouldn’t ask, but I wasn’t aware the two of you were all that close.

 **femmefatal:** oh we arent but Tenko loves all girls everywhere so she has all of them in her harem, if youre a girl then youre in the awesome girl love harem

 **panic!everyday:** okay but my question still has not changed

 **panic!everyday:** why am _i_ here

 **makoharu:** Well, if Akamatsu finds out we've been sticking our noses in Momota and Harukawa’s love life she'll be really mad, but a lot _less_ mad if you're part of the group! So you’re kind of like the parental supervision and a safety net, all rolled into one wimpy package!!

 **makoharu:** Also you _are_ a detective, so that's got to be useful somehow!

 **panic!everyday:** i. i don’t know why i expected anything else

 **panic!everyday:** fine. as long as we aren’t breaking any more laws then i _guess_ i’m in with this crazy plan

 **panic!everyday:** to be honest i’m kind of afraid to go back to the main chat at this point so it might be safer to stay

 **✨angel✨:** angie doesn’t really see how the illegal thing is a problem but she can roll with it for saihara’s sake

 **slenderman:** Seconded.

 **femmefatal:** oh yeah Tenkos all in but she just has one quick question

 **femmefatal:** why

 **femmefatal:** why ruin Kaede-chans good name by making people think shed do something as awful as go out with a gross green stoner boy? did that have to be part of the plan??

 **makoharu:** Sadly yes

 **femmfatal:** :(((((((((

 **makoharu:** I needed Akamatsu to be distracted for a few hours in a way to where she’ll be too emotionally distressed to notice if a few of us don’t respond to the group conversation, because otherwise she’d think something was wrong and partner with Toujou and Gonta to hunt us all down. So I made up that story to keep her mind on things other than where _we_ all are. I didn’t want to, since Akamatsu is probably one of the best people in this walking nightmare of a class, but unfortunately I had to target her

 **makoharu:** Plus Ouma called me a weeb behind my back when this chat thing first started and for that he deserves to _suffer_. Easiest way to do that is to hit him where it hurts

 **makoharu:** Right in the gay

 **makoharu:** Amami was really just collateral damage, but eh. I’m sure he’ll be fine!

 **✨angel✨:** KAMI-SAMA THINKS YOU ARE MUCH MORE DEVIOUS THAN YOU FIRST APPEAR SHIROGANE

 **makoharu:** Why thank you

 **panic!everyday:** kill me now

 **makoharu:** Okay team! Are you ready for some shipping!!!

 **✨angel✨:** ANGIE IS READY TO STALK SOME BOATS!!

 **makoharu:** Not what I meant but GOOD ENOUGH. Meet me in my room asap for your supplies, we have 3 hours until the date starts and Momota will probably spend at least 2 of them styling his hair, so we’re already short on time. I’ll give each of you your info packets and lay out the plan in full when you get here. Break!

 **femmefatal:** BREAK!!!

 **✨angel✨:** ~!!~BREAK~!!~

 **✨angel✨:** :3 :3 :3

 **slenderman:** Break.

 **panic!everyday:** i regret so many things

 **makoharu:**  (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)

 **panic!everyday:**...break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A three part textfic?? Whaaaaaaaat.  
> —Illmerica


	2. Afternoon — The Mission No One Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **✨angel✨:** okay so this is fun and all but angie’s getting hungry :/
> 
>  **✨angel✨:** it’s been like 2 hours,, angie needs to sit down WHY WON’T THEY SIT DOWN SO _ANGIE_ CAN SIT DOWN!! _!!_
> 
>  **✨angel✨:** tenko and saihara got to take a break :(((
> 
>  **panic!everyday:** um _no_ Tenko and Saihara did not,, ““take a break””
> 
>  **panic!everyday:** _Tenko and Saihara_ ran away from Momota-kun and Harukawa-san for twenty minutes, then finally managed to escape to an employee-only area, only to be immediately attacked by a bunch of little kids for pictures the second they left safety
> 
>  **panic!everyday:** nothing about that was even remotely a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaede Akamatsu — **Baethoven**  
>  Rantaro Amami — **AMarySue**  
>  Tenko Chabashira — **femmefatal**  
>  Gonta Gokuhara — **Gonta**  
>  Maki Harukawa — **tsundon't**  
>  Ryoma Hoshi — **Just (Stop)**  
>  Kiibo Idabashi — **K11-B0**  
>  Miu Iruma — **Wine Aunt™**  
>  Kaito Momota — **spacejam**  
>  Kokichi Ouma — **dabs ex machina**  
>  Shuichi Saihara — **panic!everyday**  
>  Tsumugi Shirogane — **makoharu**  
>  Korekiyo Shinguuji — **slenderman**  
>  Kirumi Toujou — **Maid to Serve**  
>  Angie Yonaga — ✨ **angel** ✨  
> Himiko Yumeno — **naibsel**
> 
> **Reading the other parts of this series isn't necessarily needed to read this one, but you'll probably want to fully understand context and also read some Good Crack Shit™**
> 
>  **UPDATE: a lovely fan of this fic made some beautiful art of the rollercoaster scene here**  
>  https://cocotopo.tumblr.com/post/162544310184/did-a-fanart-of-this-fic-because-it-is-one-of-my#notes

**— 2.5 Hours Later —**

 

 **makoharu:** Alright team, it’s showtime! For the sake of shippers everywhere, WE MUST SUCCEED!!

 **✨angel✨:** Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ GO TEAM!!!!

 **femmefatal:** Tenko may not support Maki-chans dating decision but she CAN make sure shes treated right by that awful spacecowboy and kick his flat ass if he messes up

 **panic!everyday:** its not _that_ flat

 **slenderman:** Oh? And what makes you say that, Saihara-kun?

 **panic!everyday:** a

 **panic!everyday:** hey Shirogane-san i think we’re all ready to start if you want to go ahead

 **makoharu:** Just what I was hoping to hear! Are both the teams in position?

 **slenderman:** I have just finished buying Yonaga-san and I tickets at the northern entrance to the park and we are going through security to enter as we speak.

 **✨angel✨:** angie is so excited!! she hasn’t gone to a theme park in AGES,, she’s gonna ride ALL THE RIDES

 **makoharu:** Sorry Angie, but you two can only ride the rides that Momota and Harukawa do. We can’t have you guys distracted off somewhere else when there are OTP pictures to be taken!

 **✨angel✨:** >:3 they better ride all the rides then or angie will have WORDS

 **panic!everyday:** i’d just like to point out that the ONE THING i requested was that we didn’t do anything else illegal, and yet here i am, breaking into the employee-only locker room with Chabashira-san to steal some employee uniforms and a beaver costume

 **panic!everyday:** IT WAS ONE THING WAS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO AVOID

 **panic!everyday:** but yeah we got our tickets half an hour ago and are in place looking for the disguises

 **femmefatal:** look Tenko isn’t exactly ecstatic about this either

 **femmefatal:** she has to work with a BOY. when she WANTED to work with ANGIE-CHAN

 **✨angel✨:** but. but angie wants to work with _shinguuji_

 **✨angel✨:**  (◕︵◕)

 **femmefatal:**...fine, Tenko will work with stupid emo Saihara

 **panic!everyday:** try not to sound too happy about it now

 **makoharu:** Good work people! I just entered through the southern entrance to the park and am waiting around the fro-yo place close by security to see if Momota and Harukawa come this way. I’ve also turned on the receiver for the hidden mic on Momota’s coat, but they aren’t close enough in range yet to get any signal

 **panic!everyday:** wwhat?!

 **panic!everyday:** i know you said you were in charge of listening in on their conversations, but you never said anything about hidden mics!! and if you have mics that small then why aren’t we communicating through those instead of texting??

 **makoharu:** Correction Saihara, I have _one_ mic that small, and did you really think that I’d be able to stay close enough to them to overhear without a little help from technology? They’d notice me in minutes, and it’s not like I have Akamatsu’s magical pianist ears. That’s why I bugged Momota’s favorite coat/jacket/shirt thing when I broke into his room yesterday

 **makoharu:** He’s literally _always_ wearing it, so I knew he’d be miked when we did this. The only problem is that I need to be within 30 feet of them to get enough signal to hear what they’re saying, but otherwise this will be much more effective. I’ve got the receiver headset built in as part of the Hatsune Miku cosplay I’m wearing so once I find them and get in range I’m good to go!

 **✨angel✨:** angie has said this before but all this spying has made her realize that you are scarier than you first appear

 **makoharu:** Still a compliment!

 **slenderman:** We are in position at the gift shop near the northern entrance and on the lookout for the targets if they choose to come in this way.

 **slenderman:** Also, excuse me for questioning you Shirogane-san, but in the past you have made it excruciatingly clear that cosplay is not disguise. Are you perhaps retracting that statement, even temporarily?

 **makoharu:** I don’t think you understand that I will sacrifice any and all moral standings for the sake of my ships becoming canon. All of them Shinguuji, _all of them_

 **slenderman:** A, ah. I now understand completely and will endeavor not to bring it up again.

 **makoharu:** Good

 **femmefatal:** O KAY,, Tenko is DONE WITH THIS SHIT and DEMANDS a partner change!! emo boy is being annoying and Tenko will not put up with it any longer!!!!

 **panic!everyday:** I’M NOT WEARING THE MASCOT SUIT CHABASHIRA-SAN YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

 **femmefatal:** WELL TENKOS TOO BUFF TO FIT SO WE DONT EXACTLY HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE NOW DO WE

 **✨angel✨:** oh, oh oh oOOOOHH!! OH OH OH!! i see them,, ANGIE SEES THEM

 **makoharu:** But Team 2 isn’t ready yet!

 **femmefatal:** PUT ON THE GODDAMN MASCOT SUIT SAIHARA

 **panic!everyday:** I REFUSE TO BE BUCKY THE BEAVER YOU BE HIM I _REFUSE_

 **slenderman:** Well it appears time has run out, because that is definitely them. You were right, Momota-kun really _does_ wear that jacket everywhere. And the sundress and jean jacket combination Harukawa-san is wearing looks quite nice on her if I may say, though I’m somewhat surprised she even owns a dress that feminine. Her eyeliner technique definitely isn’t as perfected as Amami-kun’s though. Such a shame.

 **slenderman:** They are currently in line waiting to buy their tickets.

 **makoharu:** Harukawa’s in a dress??? With makeup?!?!?!?!

 **makoharu:** I’m on the way but start tailing them as soon as they get through security, we can’t loose them from the start!

 **makoharu:** AND GET IN THE FUCKING ROBOT SHINJI I SWEAR TO GOD,, DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

 **panic!everyday:** I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS HUMILIATION

 **femmefatal:** THATS IT THE MENACE IS GETTING STUFFED IN THERE ARE PEOPLE COMING AND TENKO HAS LOST HER PATIENCE

 **makoharu:** There are people coming??!?

 **panic!everyday:** FBRHESLBRLESKJNFBKLESBV

 **panic!everyday:** BF4382FBYWIGRE

 **panic!everyday:** cbrjlesnarenjdkleas///eca

 **makoharu:** Please don’t hurt him _too_ badly Tenko, we need Saihara in one piece for the mission! Unleash hell on the employees though, we’re in too deep to be cowards about it now

 **makoharu:** Also Team 1, I’m about halfway there, I need updates people give me updates

 **makoharu:** Don’t forget your assignments! Shinguuji and Angie, you’re Team 1 and on photography. Those tourist disguises will let you blend right in, so take tons of cute pictures of the happy couple! And please don’t let anything happen to those cameras I gave you, they’re my professional cameras for photographing my cosplays so they’re _super_ expensive

 **slenderman:** Of course, Shirogane-san. We will be extra careful with your equipment.

 **slenderman:** I must admit, I have never worn a so-called “hawaiian shirt” before, but they are surprisingly comfy and fit well over my usual clothing. The sunglasses are a bit odd with my mask though.

 **✨angel✨:** angie wants to keep the straw hat pls!!! and this floral skirt is SO CUTE~~ swish~ swish~

 **✨angel✨:** also Kami-sama wants to thank shinguuji for braiding angie’s hair for the super secret spy boat time!! angie’s always wanted to be a mermaid <3

 **slenderman:** It was my pleasure Yonaga-san. The fishtail braid looks quite good on you.

 **✨angel✨:** <3!!!

 **makoharu:** Tenko, Saihara, where’re those updates? The time is now Team 2 and you’re taking too long, I’ve nearly caught up to Team 1. We need Bucky the Beaver and his employee handler on deck so that they can be the main trackers of Momota and Harukawa for when Teams 1 and 3 loose them. You _need_ those disguises, we can’t have the establishment getting in the way of the pursuit of _love_

**makoharu:**

**makoharu:**

**makoharu:** Team 2???

 **femmefatal:** wooo! okay, everythings good now, Tenkos taken care of it!!

 **femmefatal:** she put Saihara in the suit,, B/C TENKO COULDNT FIT BITCH WHAT ABOUT THAT WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND,, and has put on one of the employee uniforms. unfortunately 2 actual employees came in while Tenko was doing it, so she knocked them out with her Neo Aikido and stuffed them in the lockers for good measure

 **femmefatal:** Tenko may not be in the closet but these suckers sure are

 **panic!everyday:** i

 **panic!everyday:** i hate you all

 **femmefatal:** but yeah team 2 is now otw so no worries Tsumugi-chan just hold tight <3

 **makoharu:** I guess that works. As worried as I am that this will come back to bite us later, you didn’t exactly have much of a choice. Just get over here as fast as you can

 **femmefatal:**  ( ⌒o⌒)人(⌒-⌒ )v

 **slenderman:** Warning, they have entered the park. Momota-kun appears to be dragging Harukawa-san straight for a food cart, the pink and blue one serving only cotton candy. Head towards that. Yonaga-san and I are hovering by the hotdog stand across from it and acquiring our first pictures.

 **✨angel✨:** snap snap!!

 **makoharu:** Okay I’m here, looking for the cotton candy cart right now

 **makoharu:** Oh, there you guys are! Team 1, I see you. Your disguises look great!

 **makoharu:** A-and there’s moonchild, I SEE MOONCHILD HOLY SHIT THEY’RE SHARING ONE COTTON CANDY THIS IS EVEN CUTER THAN I COULD HAVE HOPED,,,,MY FEELS!!!!

 **✨angel✨:** snap snap!!

 **✨angel✨:** ((that means angie is taking a picture!!))

 **panic!everyday:** as much i want to stay silent in protest of _everything_ that has happened in the past hour, i have to ask

 **panic!everyday:** moonchild?

 **makoharu:** It’s the ship name I came up with for them! It’s a combination of their talents, moon for Momota and child for Harukawa. Name combos are nice and all but they lack _true_ creativity

 **panic!everyday:** of course

 **panic!everyday:** why is this my life again?

 **femmefatal:** hush beaver boy. team 2 isnt quite there but we can see them from here, theyre heading towards a bench or something. AND YOU BETTER LIGHTEN THAT GRIP ON HER HAND MOMOTA OR TENKO WILL COME OVER THERE AND BREAK IT OFF

 **slenderman:** I believe if Harukawa-san were not enjoying it somehow then she most likely would have snapped his wrist herself, so please stay calm. The day is young, we can’t give away our positions yet.

 **panic!everyday:** i think you mean we can never give away our positions Shinguuji-kun they can  _never_ know

 **slenderman:** Of course.

 **slenderman:** Alright, it appears they are done with their snack and are heading towards the nearest spinning ride. Yonaga-san, you mentioned wanting to enjoy yourself, correct?

 **✨angel✨:** YES _YES_ COME WITH ANGIE WE’RE GOING ON A ROLL!! ER!! COAS!! TER!!

 **slenderman:** As you wish.

 **femmefatal:** make sure to let Tenko know about any bad touches Angie-chan

 **makoharu:** And remember to be careful when setting down my equipment in those public storage cubbies! Those cameras have valuable OTP material on them and tourists are monsters!

 **panic!everyday:** kill me 

 

 

 

 **✨angel✨:** WOO!!! ANGIE HAD SO MUCH FUN!!! she went round and round and round round round !!!

 **✨angel✨:** the world is spinning but it’s a good spinnyyy yaaaaa!!

 **femmefatal:** it looked fun! if Tenko hadnt been busy buying binoculars so she could watch Momotas hands from a distance, she wouldve gotten on too!

 **femmefatal:** she is also happy to report that no inappropriate touching seemed to be going on. Momota was too busy holding onto the handle in the middle for dear life to be grabby with Maki-chan!

 **slenderman:** N never again, please…

 **✨angel✨:** wh _aaaaaaaat_!!  _awww_ , but it was so much fun :((((

 **makoharu:** Shinguuji? Are you okay over there? I can’t see your face very well from

 **makoharu:** Er, actually I can’t see it at _all_ between the mask and the oversized sunglasses

 **makoharu:** But you’re looking like you’re stumbling a bit?

 **panic!everyday:** detective talent aside, i can’t help but think that Shinguuji-kun might be nauseous after riding that spinning monstrosity

 **panic!everyday:** but hey it’s just a hunch

 **slenderman:** I don’t think I can do that again, not without...ugh…

 **slenderman:** P Please excuse me everyone, but I may need to...sit down...just for a minute…

 **✨angel✨:** ((gASP)), shinguuji???? you can’t be sick!! we were supposed to ride all the rides together :((((((

 **✨angel✨:** no worries tho~ angie will take care of you! <3 <3 <3

 **slenderman:** I greatly appreciate it...Yonaga-san….

 **slenderman:** I feel as if my insides have been put in a blender and set on high...it’s very, _unfortunate_...

 **femmefatal:** ugh of course the boy couldn’t handle it. fine fine, go sit down or whatever and try not to blow chunks while the rest of us girls and Bucky the Beaver here continue the mission

 **panic!everyday:** i have a name

 **femmefatal:** and Tenko said it. dont play dumb Bucky, they’ve already gotten their stuff and are leaving the ride! time to tail the lucky pair with Tenko’s handy new binoculars and make sure Momota keeps to simple handholding while in public

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS WATCHING YOU MOMOTA YOU BETTER NOT END UP AN EXHIBITIONIST

 **makoharu:** Imagine the pictures we could take if he _was_ though!!! I’m blushing just thinking about it...

 **femmefatal:**...

 **panic!everyday:**  i feel there should’ve been waivers or something involved if we’re going to get into 18+ topics Shirogane-san

 **makoharu:** And it’s because of that very sense of responsibility that is I’m putting you charge of coordination from here on out Saihara! I can’t listen in _and_ livetext their convos _and_ monitor what’s going on here! Underlined is for Momota, italics for Harukawa!

 **panic!everyday:** WHAT!?!! but no one here listens to _me_!!

 **panic!everyday:** and i’m in a goddamn mascot suit for fuck's sake!!! i can barely do more than waddle _kinda_ quickly!!

 **makoharu:** Enjoy being in charge Saihara, I’ll look down and check the chat if I loose them! Don’t forget your roles everyone, and stay on the trail! Break!

 **✨angel✨:** ~!!~BREAK~!!~

 **panic!everyday:** no, no break, Shirogane-san don’t do this! i didn’t even want to be here in the first place!

 **panic!everyday:** i can _see_ you following them, that outfit isn’t a disguise if anything you’re _easier_ to see, now get back in this chat and take charge!!!

 **makoharu:** _Are you good enough to keep going, or do we need to stop like that tourist couple back there?_

**panic!everyday:**

**panic!everyday:** welp looks like i run this disaster now

 **femmefatal:** wait, Angie-chan and Shinguuji’s disguises worked??

 **panic!everyday:** my opinion of Momota-kun and Harukawa-san has just dropped so far

 **makoharu:** Nno, no, let’s keep going, I’m fine. I’m gonna be fucking astronaut babe, I can handle some stupid vertigo! This’s got nothin’ on basic training!

 **makoharu:** _Well, that certainly explains why you’re green in face._

 **✨angel✨:** good news everybody, everything is now a-okay!! shinguuji is back to A+ health thank to Kami-sama’s blessings!!

 **slenderman:** The water was very helpful, Yonaga-san. Me aside, how’s the situation looking?

 **makoharu:** The sarcasm hurts babe, it hurts bad. And anyway I’ve got a better idea than doing more roller coasters. Let’s go get our picture taken with Bucky!

 **makoharu:** _Bucky?_

 **makoharu:** Yeah, the beaver mascot. He’s right over there! Let’s hurry, before there’s a line!

 **makoharu:** Aw, they should definitely go! They’ll look so cute getting a picture with the mascot!

 **panic!everyday:** wait Shirogane-san the mascot is ME!

 **panic!everyday:** it was LITERALLY your idea for one of us to wear it

 **slenderman:** She really isn’t looking down anymore, is she?

 **femmefatal:** BUT TENKO DIDNT BOTHER TO CHANGE HER HAIR OR HER FACE OR HER LIFE

 **panic!everyday:** WHY DIDN’T YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIRSTYLE OR SOMETHING IF THEY RECOGNIZE YOU WE’RE FUCKED

 **slenderman:** I would suggest the two of you getting going then, before one of the them sees. Get lost and double back later.

 **slenderman:** For now, Yonaga-san and myself will keep track of them to acquire more pictures. We'll keep you updated as to where they go.

 **✨angel✨:** eeee! the super duper spy duo Angie And Shinguuji™ are ready to shine ✨

 **✨angel✨:** snap snap!!

 **panic!everyday:** MOVE IT FASTER CHABASHIRA-SAN

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS MOVING AS FAST AS SHE CAN BUT SHE DROPPED HER BINOCULARS

 **femmefatal:** TENKO PAYED 15 BUCKS FOR THOSE THINGS SHE AINT LEAVING THEM BEHIND

 **✨angel✨:** tssk tssk~! these places sure do drain a starving artist’s piggy bank

 **panic!everyday:** HOW DID YOU PAY 15 BUCKS FOR THEM WE’RE IN JAPAN

 **slenderman:** Try not to shove anymore baby strollers during your daring escape now. Those single mothers look ready to spill your blood.

 **makoharu:** Hey now, come back here! Man, that guy sure can move in that suit.

 **makoharu:** Aww. I was kinda looking forward to getting a picture with you...

 **makoharu:** _As much as I don’t want to encourage you, the map says there’s a shortcut up ahead that’ll cut them off at the Pterodactyl Twister._

 **makoharu:** And this is why I like you. Let’s go babe!

 **makoharu:** So cute!!! I hope they catch up, maybe I can get a picture of them with Bucky too

 **panic!everyday:** remember when i said,, i hated all of you?

 **panic!everyday:** i take it back

 **panic!everyday:** at this point all the hatred my body is _physically_ capable of is currently dedicated to Shirogane-san, so congrats, you’re all off the hook

 

 

* * *

**— Later —**

 

 **✨angel✨:** okay so this is fun and all but angie’s getting hungry :/

 **✨angel✨:** it’s been like 2 hours,, angie needs to sit down WHY WON’T THEY SIT DOWN SO _ANGIE_ CAN SIT DOWN!! _!!_

 **✨angel✨:** tenko and saihara got to take a break :(((

 **panic!everyday:** um _no_ Tenko and Saihara did not,, ““take a break””

 **panic!everyday:** _Tenko and Saihara_ ran away from Momota-kun and Harukawa-san for twenty minutes, then finally managed to escape to an employee-only area, only to be immediately attacked by a bunch of little kids for pictures the second they left safety

 **panic!everyday:** nothing about that was even remotely a break

 **femmefatal:** dont worry Angie-chan take your break and eat something. we can take over with Tsumugi-chan

 **femmefatal:** the scary brats are gone now Bucky you can stop crying

 **panic!everyday:** shut up

 **✨angel✨:** :3 :3 :3

 **✨angel✨:** ice cream let’s get ICE CREAM!!!

 **slenderman:** Lead the way.

 **panic!everyday:** speaking of Shirogane-san i don't see her anywhere. she’s dressed up as that blue idol girl right?

 **✨angel✨:** sayaka maizono??

 **panic!everyday:** no the other one

 **panic!everyday:** but anyway there’s not a shred of neon blue anywhere near the line for this rollercoaster Harukawa-san and Momota-kun are waiting in

 **makoharu:** I’m on the run from security right now actually!

 **makoharu:** Been trying to hide in the bushes but twigs keep getting caught in my wig and this skirt is much shorter than I may have first anticipated

 **makoharu:** I don’t know how anyone noticed me, because this cosplay should’ve let me blend in perfectly with my surroundings!

 **panic!everyday:** are you kidding me

 **makoharu:** For now I just need to hide until I can get to the rentable locker where I stashed Plan B

 **slenderman:** I almost fear asking what that is, but commend you for having one in the first place.

 **makoharu:** Don’t worry guys, Plan B is _much_ more lowkey!!

 **makoharu:** Alright so update, the cops have spotted me and I am on the run

 **panic!everyday:** i can’t believe i’m saying this but please don’t get caught by the cops for the stalking that you are very much doing rn

 **makoharu:** Yeah but it’s stalking for _shipping_. Therefore it’s excusable

 **slenderman:** I still fail to see why you have such a problem with secretly following people in general.

 **panic!everyday:** and i still fail to see how you _don’t_ but i don't like to fight battles i know i won’t win

 **✨angel✨:** okay so Kami-sama has gifted angie with many of his wonderful traits, including his endless patience, but even Kami-sama is starting to get annoyed here (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

 **femmefatal:** whats wrong does Tenko need to kick some ass

 **femmefatal:** b/c she will

 **femmefatal:** theres been a lot of offers of ass kicking but no ones taking Tenko up on her offer which is honestly a shame

 **slenderman:** Please Yonaga-san, there is no reason to be bothered. I understand that I am a rather...off-putting person. An appearance such as mine tends to disturb certain...conservative types. It’s nothing I have never heard before.

 **slenderman:** Although this disguise should have convinced them otherwise.

 **panic!everyday:** i mean “disguise” isn’t exactly the word i would use

 **✨angel✨:** well angie IS bothered!!!

 **✨angel✨:** ┗(｀皿´)┛

 **✨angel✨:** Kami-sama has a strict policy against bossy ass bitches being mean to angie’s friends

 **panic!everyday:** well since i’m still apparently in charge here, care to tell us what’s wrong Angie-san? i don't think i’ve ever seen you so angry over something before

 **✨angel✨:** tHIS,, THIS AWFUL NASTY WOMAN!!! ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

 **✨angel✨:** she won’t KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT about shinguuji being stupid things like “inappropriate for children looking like that” and “being a bad influence on today’s youth” and angie is just about DONE WITH THIS LADY’S SHIT

 **✨angel✨:** shinguuji is angie’s FRIEND so if she wants to say mean things about him when shes RIGHT IN LINE BEHIND THEM then Kami-sama might need to lay down some RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE

 **✨angel✨:** don’t think Kami-sama won’t smite a bitch

 **panic!everyday:** wWOAH Yonaga-san please calm down!!!

 **panic!everyday:** i’m sure you’re just overreacting somehow??

 **slenderman:** Oh no, her quotes are quite on point. But there’s really no reason to rage in defense of my honor Yonaga-san, as I said I’ve gotten used to it.

 **femmefatal:** icky twig man may be stalkery and also a _boy_ but that doesnt mean Tenko likes people who are rude af

 **✨angel✨:** (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

 **✨angel✨:**...angie thinks she would like to get 2 ice creams to make her feel better. she’ll pay this time?

 **slenderman:** I can only eat one, but thank you very much Yonaga-san.

 **slenderman:**...

 **slenderman:** ...

 **slenderman:** YYonaga-san!! You didn’t have to smash your ice cream into that woman’s face!

 **panic!everyday:** Angie-san no!!

 **femmefatal:** Angie-chan yes!!

 **panic!everyday:** but you’re going to cause a scene! the security’s already after Shirogane-san, wherever she may be right now, and i can’t have you guys getting arrested on my watch!!

 **panic!everyday:** i’m SUPPOSED to be the responsible one here

 **femmefatal:** plus you just lost a delicious ice cream

 **panic!everyday:** that is _not_ the point here!!!!!!!

 **✨angel✨:** see, but this is why angie bought 2!! and she feels much better now

 **✨angel✨:** btw hold angie’s other ice cream? (◡‿◡✿)

 **slenderman:** Um, I suppose.

 **✨angel✨:** good, b/c Kami-sama just gave angie a new revelation

 **✨angel✨:** TO PUNCH A BITCH OUT!! (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

 **panic!everyday:** ANGIE-SAN NO

 **femmefatal:** ANGIE-CHAN YES

 **slenderman:** Yonaga-san you don’t have t

 **slenderman:** Oh

 **slenderman:** Oh my.

 **✨angel✨:** KAMI-SAMA SAID KNOCK A BITCH OUT AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT ANGIE DID

 **slenderman:** Ah.

 **slenderman:** Well, who are we to doubt God?

 **slenderman:** Please continue.

 **femmefatal:** JKFNKLSFHISDAF!!!!

 **panic!everyday:** NO DO NOT CONTINUE ANGIE-SAN,, DO YOU HEAR ME DISENGAGE,, _DISENGAGE_

 **panic!everyday:** ANGIE PLS FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY _PLEASE_ DO NOT BEAT UP A FULL GROWN WOMAN IN FRONT OF AN ICE CREAM STAND I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH

 **slenderman:** I nearly hesitate to inform you of this, but it’s a little late for your pleas.

 **panic!everyday:** we. we’re going to jail.

 **panic!everyday:** i’m a detective,,,,a _criminal_ detective,,,,i can’t have a _criminal record_ ,,,,,

 **femmefatal:** Tenko thinks that Bucky is being even more dramatic than usual

 **panic!everyday:** i,, am,, panicking,,,,,

 **femmefatal:** yeah Tenko noticed

 **✨angel✨:** okay!!! angie’s done now!

 **slenderman:** I would hope so. She doesn’t have any more eyes for you to blacken at this point, and I do believe people have begun to stare.

 **slenderman:** Also I think I heard someone mention security. It would be best if we make ourselves scarce, and soon.

 **✨angel✨:** as long as angie can finally sit down, she really wants her mint chocolate chip :3

 **panic!everyday:**  i. i don't even know what to say to this

 **makoharu:** Whoo! Alright team, so I managed to escape security and get to my Plan B cosplay! And this one has pants this time!

 **makoharu:** Getting my wig off to put on a new one was a bit of a hassle, but once I got all the twigs out and took some drugs for the inevitable headache I’m going to get for putting on an entirely new wig, I realized how much better this one is! I should’ve done this one first!

 **✨angel✨:** oooooh,, what is it???

 **makoharu:** I’m currently Utena from the critically acclaimed 90s lesbian masterpiece, Legendary Girl Utena!

 **femmefatal:** does...doesnt she have pink hair and carry a saber?

 **makoharu:** Yep! But don’t worry, my sword’s entirely authentic! I even paid extra to get one made of stainless steel!

 **makoharu:** I can’t have my props _rusting_ of all things!

 **panic!everyday:**...

 **panic!everyday:** can Angie-san’s god smite _me_? i think i’m even more done with living then i was before Chabashira-san stuffed me in this godawful beaver suit

 **slenderman:** I would not recommend it. Yonaga-san has quite the right hook, I was incredibly impressed.

 **✨angel✨:** :3!!!!

 **✨angel✨:** another one of Kami-sama’s wondrous gifts!!! <3 <3 <3

 **femmefatal:** oh OH LOOKIE more kids to take pictures with!! Tenko really likes taking these people’s money for silly pics with a beaver boy, let’s go!

 **panic!everyday:** hello darkness my old friend

 **femmefatal:** classic emo Bucky

 

 

* * *

**— Even More Later —**

 

 **makoharu:** Aw man, I hate these carny games. I can never win at them.

 **makoharu:** _Then why did you just waste a twenty on it if you knew you weren’t going to win?_

 **makoharu:** Because sometimes you just gotta fucking _believe_ , babe! And I ain’t gonna let this damn shooting game keep me down, any idiot can hit a bottle off a shelf!

 **makoharu:** _Yet here you are, significantly poorer and definitely not holding that space-themed teddybear from the prize rack._

 **makoharu:** It’s an astronaut! A _bear astronaut_ Harumaki, I have to have it!

 **makoharu:** _Fine, fine. Here, give me the damn pellet gun._

 **femmefatal:** thank god Tenko had actually started to feel bad for Momota with how pathetically he was losing

 **femmefatal:** hiding here in the shade has been nice though

 **femmefatal:**  Bucky even complains less!!

 **panic!everyday:** when are you going to stop calling me Bucky?

 **femmefatal:** no

 **panic!everyday:** that didn't even answer my question

 **femmefatal:**  suck it up Bucky! Tenko knows youre an emo and all but its just a little sunlight

 **panic!everyday:** this thing is an oven and i am _burning alive_

 **femmefatal:** you bitch and moan so much Tenko might as well be hanging out with Miu-chan

 **panic!everyday:** rude

 **✨angel✨:** oh oh! lookie guys, she did it one shot!

 **✨angel✨:** ~~snap snap~~

 **slenderman:** Momota-kun does look almost surprisingly overjoyed over a simple bear. Still, I can certainly understand his excitement.

 **slenderman:** Gift giving is classic form of courtship in many societies across the globe for a good reason. There is nothing quite like getting a hard-won present from the one who holds your interest as a way of confirming their interest in you.

 **✨angel✨:** REALLY?????

 **slenderman:** Yes, quite really.

 **panic!everyday:** i think they’re leaving, maybe to do another ride or something

 **panic!everyday:** but honestly guys, do we really need to follow them any longer? Angie-san and Shinguuji-kun must have hundreds of photos by now, and Shirogane-san _has_ to be satisfied by with all the conversations she’s been listening in on. we’ve been here for half the day

 **makoharu:** Excuse me, but did I just see you suggest we give up on _love_ , Saihara?

 **makoharu:** Worse still, on _shipping_???

 **panic!everyday:** look, it’s the middle of the day, i’m roasting like a turkey in this mascot suit, at least three out of the five of us are on park security’s watchlist at this point and tbh i’m not confident if two of them are me and Chabashira-san or Shinguuji-kun and Angie-san, and somehow, someway, Momota-kun and Harukawa-san STILL haven’t noticed us

 **panic!everyday:**  just saying, i feel staying here any longer is tempting fate

 **makoharu:** But...But we can’t! They’re one of my OTPs, and they’re _real_! I can’t just _leave_!

 **makoharu:** My friendfiction depends on it!

 **makoharu:** I thought you were having fun on the Shipping Squad with us, Saihara! Or is...is this not _fun_ anymore...?

 **panic!everyday:** you were being _chased_ _by the police_ just an hour and a half ago! how are _you_ not ready to leave???

 **makoharu:** Technically they were park security, not actual police!

 **panic!everyday:** THEY CAN STILL ARREST YOU

 **femmefatal:** stupid Bucky! if Tsumugi-chan is having fun, then you can shut your bucktoothed mouth and stay where you are!

 **femmefatal:** otherwise Angie-chan wont be the only one who kicks someones ass today >:(

 **panic!everyday:** well if you kill me now this nightmare will be over so go for it

 **✨angel✨:** beating up that bitchy lady was fun and all, angie had a really great time!! <3 <3 <3

 **panic!everyday:** you know, most people would consider that a bad thing

 **✨angel✨:** but angie’s moved on with her life. new horizons, new sights~! NOW angie’s gonna go kick this shooting game’s ass too!! :3

 **slenderman:** Oh, is that where we’re going? I’m right behind you, Yonaga-san.

 **✨angel✨:** angie wants to win a bear just like momota’s!! if harumaki can do it then so can angie :3

 **panic!everyday:** sure, go for it. Shirogane-san can keep on following them if she wants, i’m staying right here in the shade

 **femmefatal:** lazy ass boy!

 **makoharu:** Shhhhhh! Be quiet or they’ll hear you!

 **slenderman:** We are in a private text group?

 **makoharu:** Okay _but!!_ I spotted some kids from school!

 **makoharu:** _Upperclassmen_

 **makoharu:** _And they were watching me!!_

 **slenderman:** We must be quite unlucky to have that another group of Hope’s Peak students are here as well today. Did they recognize you, Shirogane-san?

 **makoharu:** I don’t know how but i think they might have!!

 **makoharu:** It’s the wrestler and her girlfriend — a swimmer, I think? — from the class above us! And they were looking right at me!!

 **makoharu:** _I think they recognized me!!!_

 **panic!everyday:** oh, i've heard of them! those are some of Kirigiri-senpai’s friends, or at least her classmates

 **femmefatal:** fight them before they can call security on you

 **femmefatal:** assert dominance

 **femmefatal:** trust Tenko it works

 **panic!everyday:** oh yeah, that sounds like a good idea Chabashira-san, she should totally do it

 **femmefatal:**...wait, really? Tenko thought youd say something emo and depressing again

 **panic!everyday:** depressing? oh no i think it’s a great idea IF YOU WANT TO BE BROKEN IN HALF

 **panic!everyday:** Oogami-san is _literally_ the strongest person to live, roughly _ever._ if you challenge her to a fight you will DIE

 **panic!everyday:** i realize no one here listens to me but pls Shirogane-san for the sake of your health don’t try to fight Oogami-san

 **slenderman:** I must agree with Saihara-kun here, retreat seems to be the best option.

 **makoharu:** I, I’m hardly a professional fighter! Or Angie! I’m just a humble cosplayer, I can’t fight her!!

 **femmefatal:** Tenko has faith in you Tsumugi-chan you have a sword

 **makoharu:** Please don’t, I’m so weak I’m practically Saihara!

 **panic!everyday:** tbh i’m not even offended because it’s true

 **makoharu:** Oh god, they’re calling me over! I’m booking it now guys, time for Plan X!

 **femmefatal:** why did you jump from B to X?

 **makoharu:** Because extreme measures call for extreme cosplay! Stay on target, I’ll return sometime soon!!!

 **panic!everyday:** and there she goes

 **panic!everyday:** thank god someone listened to me

 **femmefatal:**...Tenko could take her

 **panic!everyday:** no Tenko couldn’t

 **panic!everyday:** don't you remember? the gymnast AND the coach from two grades up from us can’t take Oogami-san, and that was working _together_. i think you’re a out of your league

 **femmefatal:**...stupid boy

 **panic!everyday:** you just don’t want to admit i’m right

 **✨angel✨:** not to interrupt or anything, bc angie’s sure you’re talking about something suuuuuper important right now or whatever

 **✨angel✨:** but does anyone have any cash? Kami-sama needs an offering

 **slenderman:** I’m sure I have some spare bills tucked away if you need them Yonaga-san.

 **✨angel✨:** no not you

 **✨angel✨:** angie meant tenko and bucky specifically

 **panic!everyday:** well if you call me that then i sure don’t!

 **femmefatal:** dont worry Angie-chan, Tenkos got you

 **femmefatal:** all those dumb parents gave Tenko cash for pics with Bucky, Tenko made a real killing

 **✨angel✨:** yea-hoo!! Kami-sama sends his eternal blessings in thanks!! <3

 **panic!everyday:** what do even need more cash for? i thought you were getting a bear from the shooting game Harukawa-san won at

 **✨angel✨:** weeeeeeell

 **✨angel✨:** see, angie’s TRYING to win, she really _really_ is! but despite her biweekly sharpshooting sessions with ikusaba and harukawa at the range she somehow isn’t winning

 **✨angel✨:** and angie wants to WIN

 **✨angel✨:** correction,,,,she HAS TO WIN

 **femmefatal:** you hang out with Maki-chan?

 **slenderman:** There’s a shooting range near here?

 **panic!everyday:** you know to shoot a real gun?!?

 **✨angel✨:** dont mock angie tenko, she’s trying her best ( >д<)

 **✨angel✨:** it just makes no sense!!! angie’s usually a great shot!

 **✨angel✨:** but they WONT,, FALL,, OVER!!!!

 **slenderman:** Do you wish for me to try it get it for you Yonaga-san? I can’t claim any particular skill with target practice, but for your sake I can most certainly try.

 **✨angel✨:** no no no!! you can’t try, _angie_ has to win it!

 **✨angel✨:** and the bear’s not for ANGIE. it’s for YOU.

 **slenderman:** R Really? May I ask why?

 **✨angel✨:** b/c if harukawa can get momota a space teddy then angie can win one for shinguuji!!! ( ͒˃⌂˂ ͒)

 **✨angel✨:** angie needs to Impress™

 **panic!everyday:** o-kay...

 **femmefatal:** wait guys wheres Momota and Maki-chan

 **panic!everyday:** a

**panic!everyday:**

**panic!everyday:** i don’t know

 **femmefatal:** this isnt good, Tenko cant find them anywhere with her binoculars

 **femmefatal:** where did they go?? Tsumugi-chan is depending on Tenko, she cant disappoint now!

 **femmefatal:** WE HAVE TO GO LOOKING FOR THEM

 **panic!everyday:** or we could,, not

 **✨angel✨:** angie’s busy trying to shoot this bottle, leave a voice message after the beep. BEEP!!

 **slenderman:** I can hardly leave Yonaga-san.

 **femmefatal:** BUT!! MOMOTA COULD BE DOING ALL SORTS OF GROSS EXHIBITIONIST THINGS TO MAKI-CHAN AND TENKOS NOT THERE TO BEAT HIM UP FOR IT!!

 **panic!everyday:** i for one feel this is fate telling us that i’m right and we should stop. Shirogane-san will understand, and honestly i want out of this costume

 **femmefatal:** NO WAY. TENKO REFUSES TO ADMIT DEFEAT

 **femmefatal:** BUCKLE UP BUCKY, ITS TIME TO GO COUPLE HUNTING

 **panic!everyday:** FJDKSALGHLERY

 **✨angel✨:** bye bucky~!

 **slenderman:** And once more the young emo is dragged away, forever at the mercy of the much more aggressive lesbian. Will he survive the experience? Only time will tell.

 **✨angel✨:** uGH, why can’t angie win???? Kami-sama WANTS angie to win, so why isn’t she winning???

 **✨angel✨:** she,, she just wants to win shinguuji a cute bear plushie too,,

 **✨angel✨:** (;﹏;)

 **slenderman:** Yonaga-san, you don’t need to win me a stuffed animal to impress me. The fact that you’re trying so hard is impressive enough.

 **✨angel✨:** ( _har_ rumph) fine! if angie can’t win through the game then she’ll just get the bear a different way

 **✨angel✨:** as Kami-sama always says, when you’re on a boat you should always bring matches!! :3

 **panic!everyday:** what do you mean

 **panic!everyday:** Shinguuji-kun tell me what she means

 **panic!everyday:** we aren’t even on a boat what can she possibly mean by that

 **slenderman:** Well, considering my current ongoing observations, I would say that this particular saying implies that, should one be unable to obtain a stuffed animal from a carnival game by fair means, setting the stand on fire and stealing one as the vendor panics from the flames is the correct reaction.

 **slenderman:** I must say, I am very...Impressed™.

 **panic!everyday:** WHAT DO YOU MEAN THINGS ARE ON FIRE

 **✨angel✨:** <3!!!! here’s your stuffed bear shinguuji!!! angie grabbed the one with the cute top hat and cane instead, so it’s unique!

 **slenderman:** Thank you very much, Yonaga-san. I feel I must return the sentiment somehow.

 **panic!everyday:** Shinguuji-kun i swear to all that’s good and pure in this world that if you somehow make this worse then i will have a panic attack and _die_

 **panic!everyday:** at minimum pls don’t kill anybody

 **slenderman:** I promise nothing. I must impress the lady, and I will.

 **✨angel✨:** :3!!!!

 **panic!everyday:** sweet jesus Chabashira-san we have to turn back before they burn down the entire park

 **femmefatal:** too late we gotta go

 **femmefatal:** Tenko just spotted those employees she stuffed in a locker earlier and they may have spotted Tenko too

 **panic!everyday:** WHAT!?!

 **panic!everyday:** why does everything have to go wrong _right now_

 **femmefatal:** get ready for a ride Bucky we gotta lose the cops pronto

 **femmefatal:** Tenko aint going to jail today

 **femmefatal:** and unfortunately even tho youre a gross boy, Tsumugi-chan put Tenko in charge of watching over you, so Tenkos gonna have to take you along with her

 **panic!everyday:** what

 **panic!everyday:** AAAAAAAAAAAA

 **panic!everyday:** Chabashira-san, put me down!!!!!

 **femmefatal:** hold onto your bucktoothed head this piggie back ride is courtesy of the Tenko Express and we dont stop for nothin

 **panic!everyday:** Chabashira-san please, slow down, we ca

 **panic!everyday:** FUCK ME SIDEWAYS THOSE ARE SECURITY GUARDS ON SEGWAYS RUN,, _RUN AWAY_

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS RUNNING AS FAST AS SHE CAN

 **slenderman:** You two sound quite distressed. Please do get away, it’d be a shame if you’d gotten caught after both Shirogane-san _and_ Yonaga-san and I have managed to escape them today.

 **slenderman:** Also, Yonaga-san, may I borrow some of those matches? I believe I know how to best, um, how you put it, Impress™.

 **✨angel✨:** ~~ookie dookie~~

 **slenderman:** You see, this simple sharpshooting booth isn’t the only one with adorable prizes but rigged games. And with some careful observations, one can notice that it’s also not the only one made with wood. So, if we just apply more matches to them…

 **slenderman:** There! Pick whatever stuffed toy you want, Yonaga-san. Between these four other stands that I’ve compromised for you, I hope you can find one you like.

 **✨angel✨:** ((gASP)) aaaaaw~ angie is so touched!  <3 angie is _also_ definitely Impressed™

 **✨angel✨:** plus the flames are so _pretty_ that angie is feeling INSPIRED!! Kami-sama is being so kind to angie and shinguuji today!!! now if only all those silly people werent screaming so much!

 **✨angel✨:** grab the manatee pls?? it’s super duper cute, just like angie, so it’s perfect!

 **slenderman:** Naturally.

 **✨angel✨:** :3 :3 :3

 **makoharu:** Aww!! You guys are so adorable! I’m glad I got back right when I did and have only conveniently read that cute portion of the conversation!

 **panic!everyday:** i mean if you find good-intentioned psychopathy cute then i guess so

 **panic!everyday:** also while we’re at it FUCK SHIROGANE THE COPS ARE CHASING US WE ARE IN T R OU B L E

 **makoharu:** Eh, you’ll be fine

 **makoharu:** More importantly, I’m in Plan X! There’s absolutely no way anyone can recognize me while wearing this cosplay!

 **makoharu:** After all, Kill La Kill’s Ryuko in her Senketsu battle outfit is probably the most extremely blend in-able cosplay there is!

 **panic!everyday:** i don’t know that anime but my gut tells me everything you just said was painfully wrong

 **makoharu:** Of course not! Since when I have been wrong about anything all day? Now, where’s moonchild?

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS SO SORRY

 **makoharu:** Oh, there they are! Found them!

 **femmefatal:**...that she didn’t tell you earlier they were over there so you could know they were so close! silly Tenko!

 **makoharu:** Time to get back to old grind! Have fun getting away, Team 1! I have faith in you!!

 **panic!everyday:** WELL I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FAITH IN US WHATSOEVER

 **panic!everyday:** WE ARE NOT LOSING THEM SOMEONE COME HELP US

 **slenderman:** Just slip into a shadowed rest area near a discrete escape route, when no one’s looking at you cut through a restricted section to put some distance between you and your pursuers, and then climb into some bushes to hide for a while. As long as you don’t move out of your initial position and can hold your breath for multiple minutes at a time without suffocation, you should be fine.

 **panic!everyday:** HOW WAS ANY OF THAT SUPPOSED TO BE USEFUL?!?

 **femmefatal:** YEAH TENKO AINT STOPPING SO NO GO ON THE BUSH THING TWIG MAN

 **makoharu:** _Somehow, I’ve had a good time today. Congrats, you actually planned a good date._

 **makoharu:** Of course I did! Nothing beats the dates planned by Momota Kaito, famous even in space!

 **makoharu:** _Don’t ruin it now._

 **makoharu:** Er, right! Let’s, uhm, get a snack?

 **makoharu:** _You suggested it, so you’re paying. I already bought the cotton candy._

 **makoharu:** _But sure. Pick whatever you want, I’ll eat whatever as long as there’s picnic tables to sit at._

 **✨angel✨:** oH NO you don’t, angie sees you!! don’t try and run away now, you want Round 2 you mean meany bitch??? >:3

 **✨angel✨:** angie will beat you with the manatee shinguuji got her, don’t think she won’t!! 2 black eyes will be just the beginning!! NO ONE TALKS BAD ABOUT ANGIE’S FRIENDS

 **slenderman:** Might I suggest the oversized lion over on that stand? If you hit it against the ground once or twice first to put out the fire on it then you can use it instead, and won’t end up hurting your manatee.

 **✨angel✨:** >:3 oh YES

 **✨angel✨:** angie knew there was a reason she liked you shinguuji

 **slenderman:** And the same to you, Yonaga-san.

 **✨angel✨:** <3!!!!!

 **slenderman:** Wait, is

 **slenderman:** Oh my, that was quite an unexpected development. Who put that massive wooden roller coaster there? They must have terrible planning skills, all these wooden structures so close by each other is a major fire hazard.

 **panic!everyday:** is,,, is the roller coaster,, on fire,,

 **slenderman:** Indeed.

 **panic!everyday:** WHAT THE HELL SHINGUUJI-KUN

 **makoharu:** _Was...Was that ride always on fire like that?_

 **makoharu:** Duh babe, it’s called Hell’s Handbasket for a reason. Don’t worry ‘bout it.

 **makoharu:** _Hmm. I guess._

 **panic!everyday:** I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST MY HEAD

 **panic!everyday:** THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR,, BUCKY THE BEAVER’S HEAD IS GONE AND CHILDREN ARE CRYING AT THE SIGHT OF BUCKY HEADLESS ON A WOMAN’S SHOULDERS RUNNING THROUGH THE PARK WHILE THE POLICE CHASE THEM

 **panic!everyday:** WE’RE GOING TO JAIL AND AKAMATSU WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN AND WHAT HAVE I DONE

 **panic!everyday:** THIS IS IT MY LIFE IS OVER

 **femmefatal:** FOR THE LAST TIME STOP BEING EMO!!!!

 **panic!everyday:** WATCH OUT FOR THOSE TABLES IF YOU TRIP OVER THEM WE’RE SCREWED

 **femmefatal:** YOU DONT HAVE TO SCREAM IT _AND_ TYPE IT

 **femmefatal:** ACTUALLY JUST STOP SOBBING IN GENERAL TENKO IS _TRYING_ TO ESCAPE THE COPS HERE

 **slenderman:** Wow, those old wooden roller coasters really do burn quickly.

 **✨angel✨:** snap snap!

 **✨angel✨:** angie can use these pictures as reference when she paints the on-fire roller coaster as a gift for shinguuji!!

 **slenderman:** I would be honored to be given anything created by such a skilled artist, Yonaga-san.

 **✨angel✨:** angie knows!! that’s why she wants to make it ~silly~

 **femmefatal:** COMING THROUGH TSUMUGI-CHAN GOTTA GO FAST

**makoharu:** Uh, Harumaki? Correct me if I’m wrong but...was that just Saihara in a mascot suit riding on Tenko’s back just now? Because they shouldn’t even be in the park to- OH MY GOD THAT’S THE COPS.

**makoharu:** _That IS them. And the bigger question here is why, because I’ve never heard of those two hanging out alone before and they have no reason to even_ be _here right now. Unless..._

 **makoharu:** _Unless they knew we were here._

 **makoharu:** Oh, oh no…

 **makoharu:** _And I’d bet my red scrunchies they aren’t here alone._

 **makoharu:** Oh no!

 **makoharu:** Wait, what?! That’s ridiculous, the only people around are you and me and that weird cosplayer over there. ...wait a fucking second…

 **makoharu:** _SHIROGANE YOU BASTARD, YOU’RE DEAD!!!_

 **makoharu:** _SAIHARA AND TENKO TOO, YOU’RE ALL FUCKING DEAD WHEN I CATCH YOU DO YOU HEAR ME!!_

 **makoharu:** Oh no!!!!!

 **slenderman:** Shirogane-san?

 **slenderman:** ...

 **slenderman:** Hmmm.

 **slenderman:** It appears Shirogane-san has been captured by the targets. What a shame. Though, I am impressed with her dedication to continue to livetext even after she's been spotted.

 **✨angel✨:** CLEARLY shinguuji is the superior people tracker!!

 **✨angel✨:** and no worries, angie can give her a colorful funeral!! we already have fire which is, like, the most _vital_ ingredient! and mandy manatee can get ordained online for free somewhere it’ll be GREAT :3

 **slenderman:** That sounds fascinating! Remind me to let you plan my funeral in adherence to your religion’s customs. I’m sure it’d be an exciting ceremony to study.

 **✨angel✨:** :3!!

 **panic!everyday:**  WE’RE GOING TO DIEEEEE

 **femmefatal:** OH SHIT THATS MAKI-CHAN,,, FOR ONCE YOU WERENT JUST BEING EMO WE REALLY ARE GONNA DIE

 **panic!everyday:** SHES CATCHING UP!!!!! GO FASTER CHABASHIRA-SAN THERE IS MURDER IN HER EYES AND SHES CATCHING UP!!!!!!!!!!

 **femmefatal:** TIME TO DROP THE LOAD

 **femmefatal:** ITS EVERY TENKO FOR THEMSELVES

 **panic!everyday:** WAIT, CHABA

 **panic!everyday:** VBREOWRGBRISLBN

 **slenderman:** It seems that the two of you really do love to abuse the capslock.

 **slenderman:** Oh and that must be security coming for us as well. Should we slip away again, my lady?

 **✨angel✨:** woohoo!! let’s go!!

 **slenderman:** Oh. This may be harder than I first thought. Hm.

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS GOING DOWN REPEAT TEAM 1 IS DEAD,, RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN

 **femmefatal:** TENKOS SORRY HIMIKO-CHAN,, SHE TRIED HER BEST FOR THE HAREM

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it y'all, this is our magnum opus. We'll never write such pure Crack again.  
> —Illmerica & Cutthroat
> 
> Expect the grand finale to drop this Friday, and tell us if you enjoyed the Shipping Squad Shenanigans and would like to ever see them return for another stalking-filled adventure! I know we've certainly had great time writing them.  
> As a side note, rest assured that somehow, someway, no one got hurt by that roller coaster burning down. This is Crack, we can't have Serious Consequences.  
> ~Cutthroat


	3. Evening — The Ending Someone Deserved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **makoharu:** So that's pretty much the entire story. Again Akamatsu, I'm sorry that I had to make everyone believe you'd stoop so low as to go on a date with Amami but I'm sure you understand. It was necessary to make sure the operation went off without a hitch, after all!
> 
>  **Baethoven:** Thank goodness we’ve finally cleared that up. I told you guys that never happened, but _no_ , no one would take my word for it!
> 
>  **naibsel:** ...i don't know what part of that arc went off "without a hitch"...but at least it made for a good read...
> 
>  **naibsel:** ...chapter two might be my favorite one yet...complete comedic genius _and_ one of my otps got together...what else can the people ask for...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaede Akamatsu — Baethoven  
> Rantaro Amami — AMarySue  
> Tenko Chabashira — femmefatal  
> Gonta Gokuhara — Gonta  
> Maki Harukawa — tsundon't  
> Ryoma Hoshi — Just (Stop)  
> Kiibo Idabashi — K11-B0  
> Miu Iruma — Wine Aunt™  
> Kaito Momota — spacejam  
> Kokichi Ouma — dabs ex machina  
> Shuichi Saihara — panic!everyday  
> Tsumugi Shirogane — makoharu  
> Korekiyo Shinguuji — slenderman  
> Kirumi Toujou — Maid to Serve  
> Angie Yonaga — ✨angel✨  
> Himiko Yumeno — naibsel
> 
> **Reading the other parts of this series isn't necessarily needed to read this one, but you'll probably want to fully understand context and also read some Good Crack Shit™**

******makoharu:** And so, after Harukawa tackled me and used her cute scarf to tie my hands to that picnic table in what was a _really_ impressive knot, her and Momota started to chase after Tenko and Bucky. Momota punched a security guard off their segway and stole it, which is what got _him_ arrested. It was around this point Tenko threw Bucky off her shoulders so she could run faster and escape Harukawa, and Momota stopped to help him up. That's what got the two of them caught

 **makoharu:** From where I was, all I could do was pretty much watch as Harukawa ran Tenko down through the pure force of her anger. It was pretty awe-inspiring to watch, tbh. Harukawa passed all the cops on segways, took a _huge_ flying leap, and tackled Tenko to the ground — all without breaking a sweat! I swore she was going to _actually_ kill her! Security managed to reach them before Harukawa managed to completely choke the life out Tenko though, so in the end everyone lived!

 **makoharu:** I have to say, it was smart on the police's part to put Harukawa in a different holding cell than the rest of us. When Shinguuji and Angie were brought in and she saw that they'd been in on it too, I thought she was going to bend the cell bars with her bare hands to throttle all of us! Even Momota!

 **spacejam:** im not ashamed to say it was simultaneously the sexiest and scariest thing ive ever seen

 **dabs ex machina:** ohohoho?? just _how_ turned on were you momota? hmm???

 **Wine Aunt™:** HA! fuckin shame they were in separate cells, i can just imagine that camera footage! HOO BOI

 **spacejam:** SHUT UP IRUMA

 **dabs ex machina:** too tantalizing of a thought momota~? ( ¬‿¬)

 **tsundon't:** Do you want to die.

 **✨angel✨:** as for angie and shinguuji, we peacefully surrendered!! and even better, the dumb dumb police people believed us when we said we bought our stuffed animals fair and square! so we got to keep them!! <3 <3 <3

 **slenderman:** Although that wooden roller coaster is little more than an incredibly large pile of ash now. I do hope that after this incident they make the decision to upgrade their facilities to be more resistant to future hazards. It would be a shame if someone had gotten hurt from the fire due to their carelessness.

 **makoharu:** Uh, yeah

 **makoharu:** So that's pretty much the entire story. Again Akamatsu, I'm sorry that I had to make everyone believe you'd stoop so low as to go on a date with Amami but I'm sure you understand. It was necessary to make sure the operation went off without a hitch, after all!

 **Baethoven:** Thank goodness we’ve finally cleared that up. I told you guys that never happened, but _no_ , no one would take my word for it!

 **naibsel:** ...i don't know what part of that arc went off "without a hitch"...but at least it made for a good read...

 **naibsel:** ...chapter two might be my favorite one yet...complete comedic genius _and_ one of my otps got together...what else can the people ask for...

 **Gonta:** Gonta is used to not always understanding what his friends are saying, but he must admit Yumeno-san is being particularly confusing right now.

 **Maid to Serve:** Yumeno-san, I must ask that you don't encourage them any further. What happened today is nothing to laugh at.

 **naibsel:** ...baes don't let baes burn down theme parks alone...

 **femmefatal:** if Himiko-chan wanted to burn down some private property as a symbol of romance she only had to say so!! Tenko will do any romantic thing her harem members ask of her!!!  <3

 **Maid to Serve:** Yumeno-san, Chabashira-san, please.

 **Baethoven:** Tenko-san can’t legally enter any major theme parks within a day’s train ride of here so I think we’re safe Toujou-san. Well, for now

 **Baethoven:** _Please_ don’t make me wrong about this guys. I’m at my limit for ‘times I’m willing to pick up my friends from holding for mass property damage’ for at _least_ the next year

 **spacejam:** hey now it was hardly fun from our side of the bars either

 **✨angel✨:** Kami-sama disagrees!!

 **panic!everyday:** never,,, never again,,,,

 **tsundon’t:** Don’t be a baby about it Saihara, it was only a little psuedo-incarceration in holding. We were only in there for a few hours before Hoshi’s parole officer came and broke us out so Akamatsu and Toujou could take us all home. There weren’t even that many news crew outside by the time we left to broadcast your shame to all of Japan.

 **slenderman:** I feel I must thank you again for manipulating the system to help free us of our charges, Hoshi-kun.

 **✨angel✨:** yeah yeah!! angie was _so_ exhausted after her long day out stalking boats, so she was SUPER happy to not have to sleep in a stuffy loud cell without all her stuffed animals :3c

 **Just (Stop):** Don't thank me, she’s owed me a few favors for a while now. It was about time I used one. Just try not to make me have to do that again for anyone here. Beyond the obvious reasons, I only have so many connections in the criminal justice system to make sure no one ends up in jail for the rest of their lives because of a stupid joke.

 **makoharu:** Excuse you? _Joke_?

 **makoharu:** Shipping is _never_ a joke, Hoshi. _NEVER_

 **Maid to Serve:** I would suggest you don't incriminate yourself any further than you already have, Shirogane-san.

 **Gonta:** Gonta is just glad none of his precious friends had been injured! He was very worried when Oogami-san told him that she saw Shirogane-san at the theme park before the fire began!

 **Baethoven:** Why Gonta sweetheart, I didn’t know you talked with anyone outside of our class. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? You know Mama Akamatsu is always here to chat about your other friends if you want

 **Baethoven:** And, well, to make sure you aren’t making the _wrong_ type of friends

 **spacejam:** look akamatsu i know the big guy was raised by wolves and all, so the ‘official parent’ spot is open, but you dont have to ACTUALLY adopt him

 **naibsel:** ...hmm...gonta sure seems to know a lot of people outside out class...i wonder if that'll be important later...

 **femmefatal:** Himiko-chan is so observant!!

 **Gonta:** Gonta likes to think he is friends with many of his peers!

 **K11-B0:** AND I AM VERY GLAD FOR YOU IN THAT REGARD, GONTA-KUN!

 **Just (Stop):** Hey Kiibo. Good to see you back.

 **K11-B0:** IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK HOSHI-KUN!

 **Wine Aunt™:** holy SHIT the robohottie can type like a fuckign sane person again

 **Wine Aunt™:** im like, proud or some shit

 **spacejam:** again??? when did he _ever_ do that??

 **K11-B0:** YES, MY VISIT WITH THE SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL PROGRAMMER PROVED SUCCESSFUL AND MY PRIOR MALFUNCTION HAS BEEN CORRECTED! NOW EVEN MOMOTA-KUN WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME!

 **spacejam:** rude

 **Wine Aunt™:** GET #REKT

 **tsundon’t:** Took you long enough.

 **✨angel✨:** aww~ kiibot should’ve come back earlier! he missed all the fun!!!

 **panic!everyday:** ...fun? you thought today was,,, _fun_?

 **K11-B0:** IF YOU GUYS DID SOMETHING FUN TODAY I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

 **spacejam:** honestly just scroll up a bit and youll get the full story

 **slenderman:** If your malfunction has been fixed Kiibo-kun, then why do you still have each letter capitalized in your messages?

 **✨angel✨:** that's a good point!! even Kami-sama agrees it's a little weird kiibot :3!!

 **K11-B0:** I DO?

 **naibsel:** ...the authors must really want him to have a unique typing style...one that's easier to read than the homestuck one...

 **naibsel:** ...though it just seems like kiibo is shouting a lot instead...

 **Gonta:** Perhaps you should visit Fujisaki-san again, Kiibo-kun! They are VERY skilled when it comes to technology, and Gonta knows that they would not mind helping you with whatever problem you may still have!

 **K11-B0:**  I WILL CONTACT THEM AS SOON AS THEIR BUSINESS HOURS BEGIN TOMORROW!

 **Baethoven:** Well I’m just glad you’ve joined us all here in the friend chat again, Kiibo-kun. We’ve certainly missed you

 **AMarySue:** um excuse me

 **AMarySue:** not to,, intrude,,, on whatever this is

 **AMarySue:** but we arent done with this whole shipping team thing

 **femmefatal:** its shipping SQUAD

 **AMarySue:** does it even matter??

 **dabs ex machina:** not really!

 **femmefatal:** if Tsumugi-chan came up with the name then it does

 **femmefatal:** gross green stoner boys like Amami should shut their traps and not question Tsumugi-chans superior naming skills. Tenko hasnt got to join in any of the violence today and its really starting to wear on her self control

 **femmefatal:** just give Tenko a reason to beat your ass Amami. Tenko dares you

 **Wine Aunt™:** HA! id pay good money to see that brawl go down. the weed fucker wouldnt stand a chance in hell

 **makoharu:** Aw Tenko, you’re too sweet!

 **femmefatal:** <3!!!

 **AMarySue:** anyway

 **femmefatal:** DONT TEST TENKO WEED BOI

 **K11-B0:** PLEASE DO NOT HURT AMAMI-KUN, CHABASHIRA-SAN! HE HASN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING!

 **AMarySue:** ANYWAY

 **AMarySue:** you guys apologized to Akamatsu for the date thing. you apologized to Hoshi when he called the parole officer. you apologized to Toujou when she had to pick you up from jail. you sorta apologized to Momota and Harukawa for creeping on them

 **makoharu:** I would _never_ apologize for stalking one of my all time top OTPs!

 **makoharu:** The rest of that, sure fine whatever I'm sorry, but not the stalking part! It's _totally_ justified!!

 **slenderman:** I believe he means that the rest of us apologized to them. You've made your stance quite clear, Shirogane-san, I assure you.

 **panic!everyday:** ,,,so many regrets,,, i have,,SO many regrets,,,

 **AMarySue:** ANYWAY!!!!

 **AMarySue:** wheres _my_ apology

 **AMarySue:** i had to deal with Ouma on my case THE ENTIRE DAY for a date i didnt even get to go on

 **dabs ex machina:** you say that like you dont enjoy our time together amami-chan

 **AMarySue:** you broke into my room while i was getting dressed, attacked me to so you write ‘BETRAITOR’ on my face in sharpie, locked me in my bathroom without at least letting me put on pants first, and wouldnt let me out for another THREE HOURS while you blasted angsty adele music through my speaker system and covered every individual item i own in seran wrap

 **AMarySue:** and THEN you covered my stuff in a 2nd layer of rainbow duct tape! that was my entire supply you burned through!!! what am i going to artfully patch my converse with when they start falling apart now?

 **femmefatal:** hipster trash

 **slenderman:** Oh my. With the sheer volume of makeup products alone that Amami-kun owns, I can only imagine how much time it must have taken to unwrap each one of them.

 **AMarySue:** im not even finished with my eyeshadow pallets yet

 **slenderman:** You seem to have a long night ahead then, Amami-kun.

 **AMarySue:** dont remind me

 **dabs ex machina:** hahhah yeah that _was_ a good one

 **AMarySue:** do you know how many places sell rainbow duct tape in bulk? not many!!! NOT MANY

 **dabs ex machina:** it was only what you deserved at the time amami-kun!!

 **naibsel:** ...okay but...betraitor?...

 **Gonta:** Gonta doesn't believe he's ever seen that word before!

 **dabs ex machina:** its like betrayal and traitor all rolled into one perfect word

 **dabs ex machina:** but dont worry amami-chan! ive recovered from the trauma and forgiven you for your crimes against the harem

 **AMarySue:** shirogane, i blame you for this

 **makoharu:** Look, that sounds tragic and all Amami, really, but also like it isn't my problem and wasn't my fault

 **AMarySue:** how would it NOT be your fault

 **makoharu:** Ouma called me a weeb on the first day this chat was made and I needed revenge! The easiest way to get it was to hit the harem, and you happen to be one of the top members. Saihara is the other, but I needed him for the mission

 **makoharu:** It isn't _my_ fault that he took out all his microaggressions on you!

 **AMarySue:** GOD _DAMMIT_ OUMA I TOLD YOU NOT TO MESS WITH W**BS BECAUSE THEYLL ALWAYS GET THEIR REVENGE

 **makoharu:** (҂⌣̀_⌣́) Just because you censored the word doesn’t mean I can’t fill in the dots

 **femmefatal:** is Tenko finally going to be able to fight someone

 **tsundon’t:** I certainly hope so.

 **✨angel✨:** ANGIE WILL HELP!!!  >:3 >:3 >:3 she still has Kami-sama's RIGHTEOUS anger from beating up that meanie bitch from before!!

 **panic!everyday:** how about,, you _don't_ beat Amami-kun up,,

 **femmefatal:** hush Bucky

 **Maid to Serve:** Akamatsu-san, you've been rather quiet. Is there something you'd like to add to this?

 **Baethoven:** I know I have, I just...

 **Baethoven:** Look, Shirogane-san, I don't want to be angry with how you lied to everyone earlier about Amami-kun and I's relationship

 **Baethoven:** And, after some thought, I'm not. It was wrong, but I can forgive you for it

 **Wine Aunt™:** wait fuck really

 **Wine Aunt™:** if someone accused me of settling down like a chump id raise hell about it

 **Just (Don't):** She wasn't finished.

 **femmefatal:** darn it Tenko was hopeful

 **Baethoven:** _Because_ I'm too busy being angry about what you did to Harukawa-san and Momota-kun while they were out on their date! You guys went to _JAIL_! Each on MULTIPLE CHARGES!! I expect this kind of behavior from _Ouma-kun_ , not any of you five! Seven, if I count Harukawa-san and Momota-kun who got themselves arrested too _because_ you guys decided to stalk them!!

 **Baethoven:** Disorderly Conduct, Disturbing the Peace, Destruction of Private Property, Stalking, Trespassing, Breaking and Entering, Larceny, Assualt and Battery, _Aggressive_ Assault and Battery ( _really_ Harukawa?), Arson — the list goes on!

 **Baethoven:** Don't even get me started on the MASS PROPERTY DAMAGE that Shinguuji-kun and Angie-san caused! You two should be grateful that Toujou-san was kind enough to pay for most of the fees to replace an ENTIRE ROLLERCOASTER and MULTIPLE GAME BOOTHS, and that the school agreed to cover the rest! I’d demand you guys pay her back somehow, but to be honest I don’t think any of us have enough money for that even if we pooled our resources!!

 **Baethoven:** I don't know if I'm more angry, or if I'm more disappointed

 **✨angel✨:** :((((((((((((

 **dabs ex machina:** i WISH id gone to jail with them today! you guys did all this fun, illegal stuff, and you brought _SAIHARA-CHAN_ but not ME??? what a drag,,

 **dabs ex machina** : i should be the first person to come to mind if you wanna do this sort of thing

 **Maid To Serve:** That was not a compliment, Ouma-kun.

 **femmefatal:** Tsumugi-chan only wanted fun people there

 **femmefatal:** and Saihara

 **Baethoven:** Speaking of that, Saihara-kun! What happened to you?!

 **Baethoven:** You’re usually so reasonable! This is just, just _so_ unlike everything I know about you! What made you go along with Shirogane-san’s crazy plan in the first place???

 **panic!everyday:** Akamatsu-san...please don’t let me be alone with them ever again

 **panic!everyday:** i regret...everything. i’m. i’m never leaving my room again

 **panic!everyday:** never again. i’m just going to stay curled up in my bed and sleep until the sun explodes, or im ready to come out. whichever comes first

 **panic!everyday:** just let me rot away under the weight of my bad decisions...

 **naibsel:**...you really are as emo as Tenko says…

 **dabs ex machina:** its okay saihara-chan, you can just be alone with me!!

 **tsundon’t:** If it had been Ouma carrying Saihara on his back in that theme park instead of Chabashira than those glorified mall cops wouldn’t have been able to stop me from killing him.

 **Just (Stop):** Harukawa if you actually murder someone even my connections won’t be able to save you.

 **spacejam:** yeah pls dont actually kill anyone, im not sure i look hardcore enough to not get harassed by your fellow lady inmates when i come visit you in prison

 **spacejam:** i think id need roughly 3 more neck tattoos before id earn their respect

 **Wine Aunt** **™** **:** those sweet, sweet conjugal visits tho

 **Wine Aunt** **™:** i bet youre into that kinky shit momota

 **Wine Aunt** **™:** being watched by cameras and guards while you and harukawa go at in prison

 **spacejam:** um

 **spacejam:** no??

 **slenderman:** Why is it that this chat persistently fall into sexual innuendo? Even I fail to find a satisfactory reasoning.

 **✨angel✨:** angie always thought it was because all the single virgins were jealous buuuuut,, :3 :3 :3 Kami-sama hasn't gotten back to her just yet 

 **Wine Aunt** **™** **:** EX FUCKIGN  _CUSE_ YOU

 **dabs ex machina:** afraid of us getting to close to your kinks momota,, hmm?????

 **dabs ex machina:** its not like shirogane doesnt already have a million pictures of you from today

 **dabs ex machina:** did you notice earlier and just not stop her, hmmm??? they were following you for _so,, long,,_ i bet you realized and decided you liked it. hmmm???,, hmmmmmmm???

 **dabs ex machina:** its okay to admit it, since weve already learned _so,, much,,_ about you cutsie lil relationship today

 **spacejam:** babe help me out here and make them stop i know youll enjoy it more than i will

 **tsundon’t:** Got that right.

 

 **_tsundon’t_ ** _blocked_ **_Wine Aunt_** ** _™_ ** _from the chat._

 

 ** _tsundon’t_** _blocked_ ** _dabs ex machina_** _from the chat._

 

 **tsundon’t:** Does anyone else want to stick their nose into my romantic business today, or can we finally be done? Otherwise I may just give Chabashira an ass to kick.

 **femmefatal:** HELL YEAH (ง •̀_•́)ง

 **Baethoven:** You know, for once, I can’t even blame you 

 

 

* * *

****

 

 ** _Baethoven_ ** _started a private chat with_ **_panic!everyday._ **

 

 **Baethoven:** Okay so

 **Baethoven:** I'll be honest, I've been thinking about doing this for a while and after what happened today with Shirogane-san and the others, I don't think I can wait any longer. Otherwise who  _knows_ what might happen

 **panic!everyday:** uhm Akamatsu-san…?

 **panic!everyday:** look i know you’re mad at me and i'm SO SORRY

 **panic!everyday:** everything got so out of control, and next thing i knew there was that stupid mascot suit and the employees were in those lockers and an ice-cream fight and cops on segways and then that rollercoaster caught on fire and Harukawa-san became a very Very real threat of death and i just

 **panic!everyday:** and i,, i lost control of the situation,,

 **panic!everyday:** just... _please_ don’t hate me

 **panic!everyday:** or at least...let me make it up to you before you do? because i really am sorry

 **Baethoven:** Oh c’mon, Saihara-kun, don’t get all emo on me! I don’t hate you, even if you _were_ an little bit of an idiot!

 **Baethoven:** I understand what happened, really. That's actually why I decided to PM you!

 **Baethoven:** You see, if today has taught me anything, it’s that you’re clearly at a complete loss without me around!

 **Baethoven:** Like, _bad_. I don't know how you didn't getting roped into some harebrained scheme that got you arrested _before_ Shirogane-san!

 **Baethoven:** So, if I want to make sure that you don't get stuck in another dangerous and illegal adventure with our classmates, I think it's obvious that the only option I have left is to date you!

 **panic!everyday:**!!!!!!

 **panic!everyday:** wWHAT

 **Baethoven:** Hey, I don’t make the rules here, I just follow them!

 **Baethoven:** Listen Saihara-kun, you're too nice to everyone and too spineless for your own good, which means that it's pretty inevitable that something like this will happen again if I don't step in! Otherwise you'll probably be convinced by someone like Ouma-kun to, I don't know, murder Headmaster Kirigiri or something else ridiculous like that and end up in jail for  _real_. Then where would we be?

 **Baethoven:** Not to mention I'm newly single, now that the whole "date" with Amami-kun has been straightened out! 

 **Baethoven:** As  _straight_ as anything can be with Amami-kun, at least

 **Baethoven:** Anyway! If I have to spend so much time with you to make sure you don't get 50 to Life on a homicide charge, then I might as well date you while I'm at it! Two birds with one stone, y'know? And, if I'm honest, I've really liked you since our first day here. You're really cute and sweet, Saihara-kun, even for an emo with constant hat-hair! 

 **panic!everyday:** i am,, very confused

 **panic!everyday:** are you sure i’m reading this right, because it’s entirely possible today has broken me and this is all just my imagination,,

 **panic!everyday:** you're

**panic!everyday:**

**panic!everyday:** you're 

**panic!everyday:** you’re!!! asking me out!!!!????

 **panic!everyday:** ME? saihara shuuichi???

 **Baethoven:** I mean...if you don’t want to you just had to say so...

 **panic!everyday:** YES

 **panic!everyday:** i mean… yes, i want to. i would...love to date you, Akamatsu-san

 **Baethoven:** Oh thank God. You had me a little nervous there

 **Baethoven:** I expect a fun first date with significantly less property damage and police arrests than Momota-kun and Harukawa-san's had, maybe sometime this weekend. Try to wear something a little nicer that isn't all black! If Shirogane-san is going to stalk us and take secret cute pictures, we might as well look damn good in them! 

 **Baethoven:** Keep the hat, though. It's really cute on you

 **panic!everyday:** i 

 **panic!everyday:**  can do

 **Baethoven:** Goodnight Shuuichi-kun! Sleep well <3

 

 **_Baethoven_ ** _has just gone offline._

 

 **panic!everyday:** did she just

 **panic!everyday:** i

 **panic!everyday:** you know what

 **panic!everyday:**  for once i think i'm alright with this

 

 **_panic!everyday_ ** _has gone offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, remember when this was supposed to be posted last Friday? Life sure is a bitch sometimes.  
> —Illmerica


End file.
